Driving in the rain

I really don't get it. Driving home from work and its lightly sprinkling and what happens, but suddenly everyone is driving as though they have left the steering wheel behind and are down on the floor looking for the gas pedal, but are only finding the brake pedal. I'm on a two lane road and following behind three people driving 27 mph centered over the dotted white line. What?  Ok, slow down, I understand that. But driving in the middle of the road? Seriously people, you are more dangerous than safe. 

It reminds me of all the people that think driving 60 mph on the highway when rush hour traffic is moving at 80 is the safe thing to do. Just go with the traffic. I have seen so many near-accidents simply because of the person sauntering along while full lanes whiz by around them, so that the car that ends up behind them has to slam their brakes on, and/or swerve to miss them.  At least they are, for the most part, staying in the right hand lane. 

Which brings me to the widespread disorder I have come to both love and hate at the same time: Right Lane Phobia. 

Right Lane Phobia is everywhere. If you were to take an aerial photo of the highways, you would find an average of 4 cars in the left lanes and 1 car in the right lane.  This is an especially frequent occurrence on the multi-lane highways and during heavy traffic on the two-lane highways. It doesn't bug me so much on the multi-lanes, as any savvy driver can dodge and weave to some extent, and (this is why I sometimes love Right Lane Phobia) just cruise down the empty Right Lane.  You can still encounter the driver who insists on staying in the left regardless of whether there is a vehicle in the Right Lane and who consequently appears upset when you pass on the right. Well, if you moved over, then I could pass on the left, and we would all be in a happier (and more legal - ever seen those signs that say, "Stay right except to pass"?) place!  As for the two-lane highways however, when people pass during high-traffic situations, it is especially irritating to be slowly driving along as everyone piles into the Left Lane in a long snake-like line just to pass the one person in the right lane driving - you guessed it - 60 mph. 

I really do wonder about those people sometimes. Are they distracted? Are they afraid of driving? Are they trying to set an example? It's not that I think we all need to drive at 80 all the time, I just think that we should be driving as safe as possible, and when the highway world is moving at one speed, that speed should be maintained by all drivers to some extent. They don't need to drive at 80, but could easily save the screeching tires of passing motorists by increasing their speed just 5-10 mph. 

The same theory goes for the motorists looking to maintain safe driving in the rain.  Maintain normal vehicle operation, decrease speed slightly, but stay - and this is key - in your lane. Don't slam on the brakes - that only causes more accidents as the people behind you have to slam on their brakes and so on and so forth until one person's reaction time is just a smidgen too slow and... you get the picture.  So if you don't freak out when it rains, or when traffic is moving quickly, the rest of us won't have to alter our driving to become equally erratic to avoid you drifting into us, slamming on your brakes, driving 15 mph slower than expected, etc. And all the world will finally be able to make it to our destinations without any damage to our cars, or white knuckles on our hands. 

My Job

So, I think it finally fully dawned on me this morning that this job I am currently in is actually a real, big-time job. I think that I was still in the mind-set I had with my previous job: that while it's the real world,  yes, unfortunately, we all have to work, and yes, work isn't wonderful, but it's just that - a job. And this previous job I had was definitely easy, and definitely meant for the fresh-out-of-college types that had no clue where to go next. My new job, however, is real. While some would say that I am still just a research assistant, I now know that I am much more. I really am a "Research Coordinator" like my ID card reads. I really do have to make sure that Human Subjects will not be harmed in this study, that all protocols are followed, that I get back to people when they call. I have to realize that what I do in this job could have a huge impact on people the world over. Should we find that Drug X in combination with previously used Drug Y relieves to a greater extent Disease Q, then we have just helped to enhance the lives of many sufferers of Disease Q.   And that is how research goes, and compared to the research I was doing before: Lexical processing in the brain... which tells us that - you got it - older adults have slower processing times, but better vocabulary than young adults!  

Suffice to say I am now realizing that I have vested interested in my job and how well I do it. I no  longer wake up and feel that anyone else could be in that place doing my job (not to say that I am amazing at it, just that I feel I am actually an important part of the research, which is an important part of my boss's job and position as Chair of the Department, and if I don't do my job there are a LOT of people that will be quite upset with me. And if I do my job well, there will be quite a lot of people that will be very pleased with me.). 

So now that I have realized that this job is a real job and that I actually get up and go to work for the job, and not just for the fact that I need to go so that I get a paycheck, I am finding it easier to complete my job in terms of personal satisfaction. That being said, I still can't manage to get up early and get here at a reasonable hour, or help but feel that I just want a day off!

The value of a sister

As my wedding date draws near, and the girls that I've selected to be my bridesmaids have talked with me and each other about various elements of the wedding, I've realized over and over again how profoundly grateful I am that I chose my sister to be my matron of honor (Best Woman, actually, since she doesn't want to be called a "Matron of Honor", and I have to agree - not only does it sound so haughty, but it also connotes such womanliness as to give mind to a tired mother of six).  I say this not because any of the other girls have done anything wrong, or because my sister has been particularly amazing, but because I find that on any level, I will agree with her tastes, styles, opinions, advice, and mindset far more often. As much as one loves their friends, you cannot find a bond among friends as strong as sisterhood. No matter how close you are. Some of you may say otherwise, and it could very well be true, but I would like to believe that for many this is as true for them as it is for me. 

I can't quite write out what exactly it is that has made me realize this, only to say that we can both laugh at each other and ourselves and even the shyest and most reserved part of us is okay with that. We can assert differing opinions and don't have to back them up years of accumulated knowledge, because our knowledge is the same, even though we have been living apart for the past eight years.  

As an aside, I feel I must add this here: I have two sisters, with my older sister being the "best woman".   She is already married, and I was her maid of honor. My younger sister is wild and carefree and I have designated her sub maid of honor in respect to the fact that she is my sister and I share the same bond with her as I do with my older sister.   Now when you see me talk of my sisters, you will know to whom I refer. 

I feel that I can talk to either of my sisters and they will understand where I am coming from. And if I complain, they won't misinterpret it, or go off babbling to others for me to find that the meaning has somehow been misconstrued along the way, and Friend X on the other side of the country will hear that I hate pink, when in fact, all i said is, "i don't want pink".... 

A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love, of lasting friendship, and can be a great time to reform lost bonds, strengthen those already present, and create new and fun memories. For some it becomes a time of lost friendships, and new anger between family members.  Unfortunate and ironic as it is, I have found that with some people engagement periods can put even the strongest of friendships on thin ground.  And while I have found that, "Wow, that's not what I'd pick" or "Could that bridesmaid be any bossier?!" happens, I see it happening more between myself and my friends than between myself and my sisters.  And I am content that I have put my sisters in this closer, and dare I say more stressful, situation. So that should an argument erupt, I know that my friends will be a safe distance away from it that our relationship will not be harmed, and that the bond between my sister and me is stronger than any argument (and even if it is temporarily cut, will mend itself, usually quickly).  

So in conclusion, I can only say that if you are thinking of choosing a friend over a sister for this position, put some extra thought into it, for you will find over the course of preparing for your wedding that no matter what happens, no matter how acrimonious arguments can get or how much you disagree (or the opposite of all these!), a friendship may be shattered, but a sister will always love you. 

Snow!

Unlike much of the more elevated parts of the country, we are just now experiencing our first snowfall. It is falling with huge flakes and then consistently disappearing. My office looks out onto a courtyard so nothing is sticking to the stones below or on the bright red leaves of the diminutive maple shading the table and chairs. Through a reflection on the windows across from me I can see that it is at least creating a white ring on the grass that surrounds the statue out front. I might have to take a field trip to go see it, even if its just to run from my door to the main entrance.

The one thing I must say I like about the hospital is that every building is connected in some way, so it makes walking outside necessary only on the way to and from work. However, there are some days when you walk around the entire hospital just to get some fresh air. Even though it is cold out, I might have to do that today, just to experience the snow! Though most people are probably wishing the opposite, I hope it's still around when I get out of work today!

The big flakes are foreboding the opposite of course... Big flakes usually means it will stop within the next few hours. At least it is beautiful while it is here, and so fun to look out my window and see it criss-crossing between the buildings, then falling gently down, and then swaying with the wind. This is why I love snow. Unlike rain, snow can be both calming and exhilerating, and doesn't have to denote a dreary day, a heartache. It can make you want to dash out the door with sleds in hand or it can create a calming forest of silence that when you walk through it, your thoughts are of the most peaceable kind, or it can make you just want to curl up by the fireside with good friends and family nearby and a cup of hot cocoa in your hand.

Incomplete Thought: Wedding guest list

As you may have noticed, I'm in the middle of trying to plan my wedding, and dealing with all those things that come along with it. I am approaching the wedding in a very laid-back manner as I've seen far too many friendships, family relationships, etc. become strained as brides have become overwhelmed (and hence stressed and all that comes with it) by getting caught up in the details and relationships of it all.

That being said, taking a laid-back approach doesn't absolve all difficulties. One difficulty I have been recently struggling with is the way in which weddings force a person and/or couple to designate out-loud the importance of their friends. Now, I know you don't have to go by convention, but convention tells you that you must choose a few people that are close to you to be in the bridal party. It tells you that they must have all sorts of qualities (helpfulness, similar tastes, compatible personalities, etc.) but of course, it comes down to just who is your best friend. I don't like having to verbalize it, having to choose between friends.

I have a few really close friends that I want to be in the party, but if I want to match my fiance, I must choose a few more. Now I am in a situation where I can't choose one friend without the other, and I would like to have this one person, but she doesn't have time, or is on the other side of the country, or just isn't a helpful person, but I'm close with... Or vice versa! And then there is the girl (former? best friend) who I was the maid of honor for a few months back, but who hasn't talked to me since the wedding (because of the aforementioned stresses). I don't want to tell one person she just isn't as close to me as I am to her, or even just as much as she thought. I have a lot of different girl friends, and most of them I can tell you are completely different, and when we are together we might say and do completely different things, but I love all of them the same. So how am I to choose who is best for my bridal party? Am I to choose based on who is more fun (think Bachelorette party), who is more creative (think decorations), who is most helpful, or who I'd tell my deepest secrets to? All these questions and more have made me loathe this convention of delineating amongst my friends. I want everyone to be involved, but I can't have 15 bridesmaids - that would just be ridiculous! I have settled with two friends from college, my two sisters, a good friend from home and my cousin. I think it is a good mix, but I feel terrible that I couldn't have asked other people that I am also close with.

This whole conundrum applies to the wedding itself. One thing my fiance and I really wanted was to have as many of our friends at our wedding as possible. And while we wanted to have a nice wedding, we also don't have buckets of money to throw down for one day, so we have to cut the list somewhere. In some ways fortunate, and in other ways unfortunate, my fiance and I are particularly friendly and it would seem are just as close to the people we see once a year as we are to the people we see every day. So when it comes to making a cutoff, we don't know where to stop. We know some people will be disappointed they aren't invited, and might even think themselves higher up on the friend-tier. And yes if we were having an all-out rager where the only thing we were providing were a few kegs and some burgers then, by all means, they'd be invited. But when each person adds considerably to our total costs (save the date card, postage, invitation, postage, reply, postage, hors d'oeuvres, dinner, cake, beer, wine... it goes on), we have to stop somewhere.

Perhaps we'll just have to have a huge rager next summer to celebrate, and this time invite all those friends who didn't make the cut...

NYC for Regionals and Bar-hopping

Traveled to NYC this weekend to cheer on our alma mater cross country teams as they competed in the Div. III Regional Qualifier. We left Boston at about 7:30 or 8 and got down to the Hotel in NJ where the team (and we) were staying and met up with the coaches at about 11:30/12:00. After a few drinks with them, and some guilt tripping of some other key players that hadn't made it down, they left for bed and we held down the corner of the bar until 2am. The five of us got up bright and early at 6:30 to get ready for the day, and went to give the team a Slow Clap walk to the bus around 8. At the race we had about 20 Alumni there cheering them on, most of whom were wearing bright red Union Suits and flowing capes with the Shield on the back. It was a pretty spectacular sight to see us running from spot to spot to cheer on the team. There were also approximately 15 current xc team members running around in similarly ridiculous gear to cheer on the team. We made quite a formidable red cloud when running around and an excellent roaring cheering section as we lined the course.

Afterwards the various groups of us split off and went our own ways for the afternoon... Some of us went to this (apparently famous) BBQ place called Dinosaur in Harlem for lunch and met up with my cousin while there. I haven't really talked to her much in the past 15 years, but we used to be inseparable. I was a little nervous that she and I would be completely different and the lunch would be awkward, but in fact it was the complete opposite. It was great to see her, and so much fun! The lunch was great all around. I had a BLT that came with the absolute most delicious bacon one could even imagine. About the time it started to get dark out we left there and proceeded to drive down to Alphabet City where we met up with some of the other Alumni hanging out down there. We started at one very German bar where I had a beer from the Oldest Brewery in the World. It was very yeasty and old-tasting and delicious. Best beer of the night, hands down. We then went to another bar down the street where we met more people, and the bar-hopping had begun. In all we went to, I believe, 8-10 bars and a pizza place. Having started at 2:30 that day, 1:30 felt unbelievably late and we started winding down then, with certain members of our group of 12 starting to black out, and others getting tired (and grumpy - I'm included in that group... unfortunately!). Some of us drove to Jersey City, NJ where a friend with us had an apartment we crashed in, which was really nice of him. Others went off to their respective friends houses. One thing I've noticed about NYC is that everyone's apartments are so small you can't fit more than three people in any one place, so we all had to split up into small groups.

The next morning we walked around colorful Hoboken and had breakfast at a wonderful cafe that served a delicious Chai Latte. We also stopped at the running store that the girl with us works at, and she helped me pick out a pair of shoes and gave me a discount. It was wonderful - discount or not - mostly because I hate going to those stores and having someone help me pick out shoes, but having a freind there was so much better!

We also went to the Steven's Institute of Technology campus which overlooks the city from across the river. Gorgeous.

It was a long weekend, and we didn't leave the city until 4:00 when we finally met up with the other girl who was riding with us. Before picking her up we drove all around the lower west side (I think) and passed by the stoop from Sex and the City. On our way out we stopped at a White Castle in Harlem which is always a good experience. Between the four of us, we went through 18 burgers, and 4 buckets of fries!

All in all, a good trip... I think I would have liked to see more of the city, and less of random bars in the lower east side (again, I think...). The city is so enormous that you can't possibly see all of it in one weekend even if you had a plan and a Segway. There were parts of it I liked better than Boston, and definitely a lot of parts I didn't. I think it could be a fun city to live in, but perhaps too big for me. I will be back, though, of that I can be sure.

What's in a name?

There's something to be said for solidarity in a relationship, and there's something to be said for the ease of a newly married couple to simply assume one last name, and its consequent ease on the children having just one last name. However, I can't quite accept changing my name. Though I have often done what so many girls do, and written my name out in combination with his last name, testing out how it sounds, I don't know that I ever really wanted his name so much as I wanted the marriage and commitment.

As the wedding draws near and more people ask me whether I will change my name (and, fortunately, it is becoming more of an option rather than an expectation), I find myself hesitant to answer.

The situation is as follows: I change my name and lose my unique last name, conforming to society's mandates and the children are named after him, and my last name is all but lost save for the three male cousins on my dad's side. I don't change my name, and I have children with a last name that differs from mine. You get into school issues: "Is this really your mom?" "Are these kids really yours?" And all kinds of questions, and disparities when booking flights, hotel rooms, or even just friends asking how to address the Christmas card. Now take into consideration that I already have two papers pending publication under my current name, with more potentially on the way. Also consider that many of the names I would like for my (potential) kids wouldn't quite go with his last name. I like beautiful french names, and his name is somewhat masculine and standard. It's like painting one wall red and the other wall purple and calling it beautiful. It's not beautiful, it's unfortunate.

Now, his particular name aside, I still find it frustrating that women are the ones that must change their name and that society finds it more demeaning should a man take the woman's name rather than each keep their own name. I am most certainly not a feminist, but I have a penchant for equality in all things, and find that if you can expect one person to give up that identifier they have lived by their entire lives without batting an eye, you should certainly be able to abide by it for another. It is no more demeaning for a man to give up his name for hers as it is for a woman to give up her name for his. Though not at all serious, when I propositioned this to my fiance, he completely balked, saying, "But that's who I am! That's what everyone calls me, that's my name!" And of course I responded with, "Exactly!"

It's interesting that people will fight so hard to keep a phone number - an assigned number through which people are able to identify and keep in contact with each other - and yet not blink an eye when asking their future wives to change their name, which is in a sense, something that is more a part of you, more definitive of your background, your family, and your life, and is something through which people can identify and hence reach you.

Why does this expectation remain so strong in our society? Why do we all look down on the men that do change their last names as though they are weak, or in layman's terms, "whipped"? It frustrates me, and that is mostly due to the fact that I love my last name, and it has completely defined who I am, how I've lived, and what other's know of me. When my sister married she went from one Scandinavian name to another, and, at the risk of offending my fiance should he ever read this, I wish that my choice were as easy. It is not that I don't love his family or heritage, and it's not that I am trying to be a feminist or make a statement. It's only that as much as his last name has defined and become him, so has mine, and taking that away is not something I'm willing to do just yet.