There's something to be said for solidarity in a relationship, and there's something to be said for the ease of a newly married couple to simply assume one last name, and its consequent ease on the children having just one last name. However, I can't quite accept changing my name. Though I have often done what so many girls do, and written my name out in combination with his last name, testing out how it sounds, I don't know that I ever really wanted his name so much as I wanted the marriage and commitment.
As the wedding draws near and more people ask me whether I will change my name (and, fortunately, it is becoming more of an option rather than an expectation), I find myself hesitant to answer.
The situation is as follows: I change my name and lose my unique last name, conforming to society's mandates and the children are named after him, and my last name is all but lost save for the three male cousins on my dad's side. I don't change my name, and I have children with a last name that differs from mine. You get into school issues: "Is this really your mom?" "Are these kids really yours?" And all kinds of questions, and disparities when booking flights, hotel rooms, or even just friends asking how to address the Christmas card. Now take into consideration that I already have two papers pending publication under my current name, with more potentially on the way. Also consider that many of the names I would like for my (potential) kids wouldn't quite go with his last name. I like beautiful french names, and his name is somewhat masculine and standard. It's like painting one wall red and the other wall purple and calling it beautiful. It's not beautiful, it's unfortunate.
Now, his particular name aside, I still find it frustrating that women are the ones that must change their name and that society finds it more demeaning should a man take the woman's name rather than each keep their own name. I am most certainly not a feminist, but I have a penchant for equality in all things, and find that if you can expect one person to give up that identifier they have lived by their entire lives without batting an eye, you should certainly be able to abide by it for another. It is no more demeaning for a man to give up his name for hers as it is for a woman to give up her name for his. Though not at all serious, when I propositioned this to my fiance, he completely balked, saying, "But that's who I am! That's what everyone calls me, that's my name!" And of course I responded with, "Exactly!"
It's interesting that people will fight so hard to keep a phone number - an assigned number through which people are able to identify and keep in contact with each other - and yet not blink an eye when asking their future wives to change their name, which is in a sense, something that is more a part of you, more definitive of your background, your family, and your life, and is something through which people can identify and hence reach you.
Why does this expectation remain so strong in our society? Why do we all look down on the men that do change their last names as though they are weak, or in layman's terms, "whipped"? It frustrates me, and that is mostly due to the fact that I love my last name, and it has completely defined who I am, how I've lived, and what other's know of me. When my sister married she went from one Scandinavian name to another, and, at the risk of offending my fiance should he ever read this, I wish that my choice were as easy. It is not that I don't love his family or heritage, and it's not that I am trying to be a feminist or make a statement. It's only that as much as his last name has defined and become him, so has mine, and taking that away is not something I'm willing to do just yet.
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